Republicans for Voldemort
by Surreal SaDiablo
Summary: Hi.  This is Surreal calling with Death Eater Republicans for Lord Voldemort for world ruler campaign.  How are you?


Hey there. Sorry this is not an update for my other stories. Major major writers' block and it sucks.

So about this. I am telemarketer for Satan. I work for a company called Capitol Resources and I hate it. We make phone calls to follow up on surveys that people took with a robot. A yes or no survey. The kind you always get during dinner.

I am one of those people.

And at this magical rainbow fairy place called Capitol Resources (where I work for the devil); I tried to get a management job there.

They denied me that position and offered me a job where I get to take that survey, that survey that you and/or your parents and/or your grandparent are always getting during dinner then annoying follow up calls from uppity young smart asses just ask them for money, and I turn it into the call script the uppity young smart asses use.

And at this job where I work for the devil, writing these scripts, I get really fucking bored while calling. And one day I remembered a Republicans for Voldemort bumper sticker.

And I thought to myself, "Why not make a call script for a Republicans for Voldemort campaign?"

So I did.

I also decided to include a sample script. This one was not actually used. Lawyers made a bunch of changes to it, but this is the one I sent to get approved. Below that, if you choose not to read the first one, is the Republicans for Voldemort live follow up script.

Hi. This is _ calling with For America's Republican Majority PAC. How are you?

Great. We were calling to follow up with you on the telephone survey someone in your household completed with Republican leader John Boehner about the direction our country is headed.

Q1: Were you the person who completed the survey?

Yes – Okay, fantastic. (Go to Q2)

No – Oh, ok. Could I speak to that person?

Once you are on the phone with the right person, go to Q2

If you cannot get the right person on the phone, ask if there is a better time to call back. Write CB-(time) in the disposition field.

Q2: Now, _, as you know, the defense of life and the defense of freedom are linked, but the current political agenda in Washington is a threat to that freedom. Government run health care, higher taxes and more government spending are simply the wrong direction for America. We are building a grassroots network of supports that will stand up for the defense of life and freedom. We are following up with you because you had expressed an interest in making a contribution to help us stand up for smaller government, lower taxes, and personal responsibility.

Q2-A: Can we count on you to make a contribution of $125, $75, or $50?

Yes: Great. What amount should I put down for you? (Go to Q3)

No: I understand. That is a lot to ask. However, when you think about the fact that taxpayers are now responsible to pay for the trillions of dollars in government bailouts, you have to agree this is just too important a cause to sit on the sidelines, right? (Go to Q2-B)

Q2-B: Could you to contribute $35 or even $25?

Yes: Great. What amount should I put down for you? (Go to Q3)

No. Ok. I know we both agree that we must have people in office with the same common sense values as you and I to make America strong again. (Go to Q2-C)

Q2-C: Is there a smaller amount that we can put you down for today that you would be comfortable with like $20?

***Make sure you ask if they would like this to be a onetime gift, or if they would like to make this a monthly gift.

If at any point, they say they absolutely do not want to contribute, end with: Ok. I understand. Well thank you for your time tonight, and this call was paid for by For America's Republican Majority PAC, and was not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. Have a great night.

However – if they might contribute some amount – keep going and ask them to consider it and we will send the letter.

Q3: That is wonderful. Thank you so much. What credit card can we put that on tonight?

If no to card: Sure. I understand your concern. It is just that that we are in a crucial time during this election cycle where we must raise enough resources to win in November.

Yes: Fantastic!

Go to the credit card form and get all of the information on the sheet.

If still no to card: Oh, I understand. Not everyone likes to do that. May I just verify your name and address so we can send you a letter with a return addressed envelope for your donation? Moreover, would you like our website to donate online?

IMPORTANT: For any donor who contributes more than $200 (As in … $200.01) you must ask this question: Federal law requires NRSC to obtain and report the name, address, employer, and occupation of every donor who contributes over $200 in a calendar year. Could you please tell me your employer and occupation?

Close: Ok. Well, thank you very much for your time, (NAME). I do need to tell you that contributions to For America's Republican Majority PAC are not tax deductible as charitable contributions for federal income tax purposes. On behalf of all of us here at For America's Republican Majority PAC, we want to thank you for making an investment in protecting our country. Thanks again, and this call was paid for by For America's Republican Majority PAC, and not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. Have a great night.

Hi. This is _ calling with Death Eater Republicans for Lord Voldemort for world ruler campaign. How are you?

Great. We are calling to follow up with you on the floo survey you recently completed with Lucius Malfoy. Are you the person who completed the survey?

Q1: Were you the person who completed the survey?

Yes – OK. That is fantastic. (Go to Q2)

No – OK. Could I speak to that person?

Once you are on the phone with the right person, go to Q2

If you cannot get the right person to come to the fireplace, ask if there is a better time to call back. Write CB-(time) in the disposition field.

Q2: Now, _, as you know, Ok. Now as you know muggles are filthy creatures that need to be exterminated like the vermin they are. We cannot allow these filthy mudbloods to remain living and dilute our pure blood any further. We are following up with you because you had expressed an interest in helping the Death Eaters with their efforts to make sure this does not happen.

Q2-A: Could we count on you to make a contribution of 100, 75, or even 50 Galleons?

Yes: Great. What amount should I put down for you? (Go to Q3)

No, I understand that is a lot to ask for. However, when you consider the fact that muggle lovers like Dumbledore and the Weasleys are out there breeding with those disgusting vile creatures, you have to agree this is too important a cause to sit on the sidelines, right. (Go to Q2-B)

Q2-B: Could you contribute 35 or even 25 Galleons?

Yes: Great. What amount should I put down for you? (Go to Q3)

No. Could you help with a smaller contribution or even the death of a few of these creatures? (No, go to close.)

***Make sure you ask if they would like this to be a onetime gift, or if they would like to make this a monthly gift.

If at any point, they say they absolutely do not want to contribute, end with: OK. I understand. AVADA KEDARA!

However – if they might contribute some amount – keep going and ask them to consider it or we will start killing every single person in their family until they give up all their money and their first-born son.

Q3: That is wonderful. Thank you so much. Do you want to give up your first-born son and bring us the head of a muggle on a platter as well? Thank you that is super swell.

(Confirm Gringotts account number.)

Close: Ok. Well thank you very much for your time and for your contribution. On behalf of all the Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort we want to thank you for making an investment in protecting the sanctity of blood status. This floo call filthy muggles paid for this call because they do not deserve anything.


End file.
